Re-neg-o-tia-tion

This is so amazing, this new space, the space of growth after birth, tender green shoots in the darkness of the universe.  And to be a star!  Quiet..perfection..the smell of sparks...the sound of light cracking...the sense of expansion...swimming streaming love and gold.  

I have become crazy and ecstatic, and i have no shame!  I spin and turn and moan and feel and love and sway and my eyes are rivers of diamonds.  For as much sorrow as was carved into our bones, that much joy is given.  In-te-gra-tion is my constant companion, a lily pad of flight on the mythical river, or silk road. 


While I was in Cambridge, the flip just embodied itself deep into my cells.  I let go of Kevin, I forgave him, I learned to jump, and to my surprise the wind is lifting my baby wings.  The whole of trauma, from conception to entry into matter, childhood, original wounding, first loves, shattering disbelief and pulverizing of the ego, I left it at the foot of the mountain and wove the red or golden thread of life into my bones, my eternal bones....the ones which spark and spin.


And oh the loves and the friendships and the helpers along this road!  Endless endless gratitude.  It is a joy being human, with you.


huuuuuuuuuuuuu~

Eagles

Today is veterans day.  My father was a proud veteran.  He fought in Vietnam and served in the military throughout my early childhood.  For most of my life he refused to speak of his military service, it was not for my child's ears, or maybe it was just too difficult.  He would talk of the monsoons, of Vietnamese culture, of his friends in service.  He spoke more to my brother about war itself, and a few years ago, when he went into the hospital for liver failure, he dreamt extensively of his time in service.

Today we went to a ceremony for veterans at the cemetery where my father is interred.  There were speeches, songs, and prayers by members of the military both active duty and retired.  God Bless America was sung as flags from each branch of the military waved softly in the breeze.  Applause was conducted for all veterans present and a hot dog lunch was served for everyone.  It was very all American, very small town West Coast, very touching.  Two hawks performed a lovely fly over, as well as several early period planes.  137 flags graced the walkways, each with the name of a local service man embroidered along the spine.  Next year, my fathers will flag will fly as well.

Post hospitalization, my father brought the wall that heals to Paso Robles.  Many veterans turned up to witness it, and many cried as they touched the names engraved there.  Now, my father is interred in the veterans ossuary himself.

War, it is a powerful ritual that many share in...it is a space where survival instincts rule, where raw energy dominates, where intensity of experience reigns.  For many veterans, integrating back into "normal" life, especially in rich America, is nearly impossible.  They are little boys-who go on their own heroes journey-and negotiate life from a specialized lens forever after.  The eagle is their chosen symbol.  Daring, solitary, unrepressable, it stands above my fathers grave. 

 I love you Dad, I miss you today. xxxxxxx

Flip

In the polarity model there comes a moment, when involution is complete, and incarnation into form has fully manifested, that the flip takes place.  The human soul, the soul of the age, the soul of time and of the universe all witness and enact this process.  We transition from coming into being to returning to divine breath.  In polarity is called the dense point at which matter begins to evolve.  In my drawings, it is a still point, the dot which 11 dimensions were found in, the moment that contains it all.

It is to the flipping point that reference is made in the new testament, "When I was a child I looked as a child, I acted like a child, I spoke as a child, but now that I am passed beyond that all childish things have gone away from me." (forgive if my quotation is not perfect, it is from a long ago memory.)  There is a letting go of what no longer serves, what cannot accompany us back, and I finally have the courage to do this.  Mevlana Rumi wrote, "Forget every touch or sound that did not teach you how to dance." 

As I look at the past six months I realize what an immense spiritual journey this has been, what a truly human endeavor.  I am ready to accept my wings, to know my worth as both the involuting and the evoluting Hannah that writes to you today and sends love to you from all of time.  For it is not me who could manage this flip!  It is a force bigger than myself, which I don't really have to understand.  It is the mystery of life.  And what a bizarre happiness to enter this, brimming with pain, swirling in a vortex toward an outward upward spiral.


Much Love.  Bless this next two weeks I will have in Cambridge, that the new will manifest across continents, joys, and petty human divides; that the angelic will stay present with me and my household, never to leave us again. HU.

Chickens

Autumn is here, and with it chickens!  The children are busy naming them, six in all.  So far we have Lily, Angela, Big Red, Dino, and BossPawk.  They will begin to lay in a month or two..

We also got a puppy for the kids, her name is Daisy, and she is well loved.


This is the season of my birth: socks and shoes, a sweater, clouds in the sky, jack o lanterns, and pumpkin pie...beauty and goodness, mild weather, gratitude, and family togetherness...rest from the heat, out among the haybales, and fellowship with old friends: these things bring back to the visceral what Johnny Cash and And Difranco and Utah Philips sang about, that pioneer spirit with dust in the wind.  Gold dust and manna as we navigate the underworld and come forth among the endless plains.  Boo!

Birthday

Waouh!  34 was a whopper, bringing in 35 with the still point, hardly unchaotic really :)

Home

I have written about home several times over the course of this blog, and now the essence of it comes up yet again.  When we look at death, there is a sense of going home, home to the beginning point from which we came into being as human form.  When we surrender into the divine comedy, as I have had to do this past 6 months, there is too a sense of going home, home to the beginning point from which we came into being as form at all.  And now, I am living in my childhood home.

There is a picture hanging on the wall of my family, post separation and reunion.  Skating back, I see that my father separated from our family for almost a year when he too was 34 years old (the same age as Kevin is now).  Some major relationship issues were worked through during that time, and then we had the joy of coming back together!  My littlest sister was born, life got much better for all of us.

Symbolic for The McClures, the frame has these words around it.
Family: 1. people who know our past, present, and future 2. those who accept us the way we are 3. a source of love, comfort, and happiness 4. those with whom we share a lifetime of memories and traditions 5. what we call home

As I negotiate, wait, work, pray, rest, and heal I am very aware of my relationship to Home. Inside outside upside down and very very present. This moment now contains it all.


"God lives in the moment, and if you get in it, you will be with God in the house of God, and he will give you cosmic candy unknown to human beings." Adnan Sarhan, Sufi teacher in America


The Masai people of Africa, as well as many other indigenous peoples, live in one room yurts, or huts.  They sleep here, make love here, and rest.  At any other moment, they are outside.  There is a sense of home, a place where one returns to for the oldest deepest needs.  Home balanced by adventure, home encompassing the still point of each journey.  Home is the still point during the chaos of surrender for me and my little family.

Much much Love~

The Gift

What a strange liminal time for us right now.  This Friday my father in law passed away.  He was a vibrant healthy man, full of zest for life.  He was a strong man who lived according to principle, who managed all his comings and goings with ethics and care.  He was a spiritual pillar for his family, praying unceasingly that his children and grandchildren would know The Lord.  His death was sudden, unexpected.  

http://www.thebostonchannel.com/r/25259828/detail.html 

Most of all, he loved my children and I  completely.  Through all of the ups and downs Kevin and I ever had, Will listened to me always, whether I was laughing or crying or angry or quiet, and he never missed a Sunday without calling to check in on us.  
At the hour of his death I was sitting in my backyard, warmed by the sun, in silent reverie.  I committed that I would praise the name of the Lord everyday for the rest of my life, in both sorrow and in joy, for myself and my children.  What a gift at that hour, from Will to me, and me to Will.  May it last for many generations.

 

Today we received a postcard that he sent the morning of his death.  It has a picture of some cows and a moose on the front, and he says, "I moose you.  Hope all is going well and that you have found some new friends.  Grandma and I are on holiday in the White Mountains.  Yes there are moose and bear here.  Hope to see you soon.  We love and miss you." Grandma and Grandpa  

We miss you too.  God's peace and protection be upon us, to light our way.  May you walk in the While Mountains always Grandpa Will.