Broken

So, my lovely body has given me tonsillitis again.  It is saying slow down, slow down Hannah, let yourself fall apart.  I am so strong, can fight so hard, can love eternally in the face of doubt, can hope on the flimsiest of rainbow beams and then build great homes out of those same rays of light.  But I am broken.  I do not want to be a single mom, I do not want to build up again and again and again, like Sisyphus.  I do not want to make life out of this storm.  I desire only to love more, to be loved, to rest in the arms of my beloved Kevin and just be.  I desire to feel the summer sun with great peace and inner joy, to know in the depth of my bones that all is ok with the world, with my family, with our hearts.  I desire that a crazy unexpected and gentle subtle ecstasy will rise within my union, in its ephemerality reorganizing all that has come before, opening new thresholds in the sky, to ride on dragon wings together.  I do not know if I have the strength to stop desiring, or the ability to plummet into these depths of grief and still survive.  Can I fly with broken wings?  Can we fly with broken wings?  Is there really any way out of this broken-ness but through it?  I let go, I lay in bed sobbing, I leave it to a greater intelligence.
Much Love,
Luna Dancing Heart