Shakespeare

Numb.  Sunshine.  Children laughing.  Children crying desperately.  The bark of dogs. 

I am smiling, laughing even at some moments.  I am on the floor of the shower with leaden bones.  No time for carrot cake, no garden started this year to weed in. 

His old recliner to sit in, his old coffee cups to drink out of.  I am driving his truck.  His pictures hang on the wall.  My children's pictures too.  My pictures - I was a cute kid.  We are Family.  Hugs - lots of delicious hugs.  Soft breezes and pink sunsets.  Meteor shower tomorrow.  Birthday to make happen this weekend.  Phone calls forever on the horizon, the yucky uncomfortable ones I don't want to make. 

Alone.  Not alone.  Turning.  Not turning.  I don't know what to write.  I can only be present, and take some small action each day.  A good friend says, she is who is not busy being born is busy dying.  Another friend says, you will be in winter for a little while.  And yet another, I don't know Hannah, I don't know what to say.  I only hope that Shakespeare was spot on...it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 

My dad would not have read Shakespeare, but he would have encouraged me to love against all odds, to love being here and being alive.  Hugs,